Breakdown
by Sunstreaker Lambo Twin
Summary: SLASH-TWINCEST. Based in the twisted relationship between the twins in the IDW continuity. Sunstreaker's attempts to protect his brother from the war is what ultimately pushes Sideswipe away from him. What will they have to go through, to realize that they had both wanted the same thing from the very first day? SUCK AT SUMMARIES! SORRY
1. A mistake had never hurt that much

His gaze lingered over the crimson mech's features as he talked to a small group of 'bots on the other side of the room, a wide grin plastered over his face that had him completely mesmerized. The mechs to whom he was talking were all laughing at his antics, the same way they always were. It was the way it worked. Sideswipe was well liked among the crew, in more than just one way. Not only was he outgoing, funny, loyal, and a fierce warrior, he was absolutely gorgeous. That hadn't escaped his optics.

He reached for his cube of high grade that was resting on the table before him, taking a long sip from it and still completely unable to tear his gaze away from the red Lamborghini's grinning face-plates. It was something he had accepted a long time ago. He was hopelessly, _completely_ in love with Sideswipe. He knew it, and it was something he lived with every single day.

He also knew, and had learned to live with it too, that he could never tell his brother about his feelings. Sideswipe could never know how he felt.

The reason was rather obvious. At least to him. Ever since the incident back on Cybertron, that day where his brother had been the victim of a Decepticon attack and had been almost killed, Sunstreaker had sworn to himself that he would do absolutely _anything_ to keep him safe.

At first he'd just protected him himself. But then he realized that it wouldn't be enough. If they were ever separated, then Sideswipe would be unguarded. Sunstreaker couldn't afford that.

So… he'd changed his strategy. He'd always known what he meant for his brother. He'd always known that his words, his estimation of him, and more than anything, his approval, were everything Sideswipe had ever craved.

To protect his brother, Sunstreaker had to take that away.

He had started to look down at absolutely everything Sideswipe did. Started to reject him, to treat him like yesterday's slag. He _knew _that Sideswipe would only try to improve himself, develop his skills to prove him that he was _worth_ his brother's time, that he deserved his approval.

He never got it.

He saw the change in Sideswipe. It was a slow, painful process. He saw him indeed become even more skilled with time, but he also saw how even his behavior changed… saw how he kept struggling to regain his brother's approval, to no avail. It was exceptionally hard for Sunstreaker, too. He'd had to put distance between himself and his brother, had to remain as cold and indifferent to him as he possibly could, and it had proved to be the most difficult thing he'd ever had to do.

With time, Sideswipe learned to hide his pain. Learned to hide how much his brother's rejection hurt him. He still tried, though. Still struggled to be better, to be just what Sunstreaker wanted him to be but…

It was never enough.

If only he knew just how Sunstreaker felt…

It was then that the crimson mech's gaze met the golden one's across the room, and his grin faltered, optics glowing with too many unspoken words. Sunstreaker stared back, forcing his spark to _stop_ lurching in that horribly agonizing way before he growled, sneered, and looked away, focusing his attention back on the high grade cube that he had in his hand. He couldn't stand looking at his twin when he was talking to all the rest of the 'bots. Not when he knew he couldn't do that himself. Not as long as the war lasted. This war was one that only the strongest mechs would ever survive. He had to remain strong, if he wanted Sideswipe to live.

Looking away he missed Sideswipe's spark-broken look, one that was quickly hidden with a shrug and a smile offered to the mech standing next to him—who turned out to be Silverstreak. His doorwings fluttered almost sheepishly at the gesture. It was a good thing Sunstreaker had looked away.

Sunstreaker sighed. It wasn't just knowing that he'd never be able to be with Sideswipe what he'd learned to live with. He'd learned to live with the pain, too. He saw how he talked to every other mech. Saw how he laughed with them, knew that he'd entertained lovers among the crew's mechs... and he knew he could never allow that to happen between them. It was only the knowledge that it was to keep his brother alive that helped him to go on with that 'plan'. Still, it hurt. He wanted to be the one _receiving_ those smiles. He wanted to be the one to _make_ his brother smile. Wanted to be the one lover he had…

He shook his helm, trying to keep himself away from that train of thought. He downed the rest of his cube in one go –that was the best way he had to drown his pain- and got to his feet, swaying a little bit before he managed to steady himself. He'd had more cubes of high grade than what he should have, if the way in which the room was spinning was anything to go by. With a snarl he shook his helm again –and regretted it immediately-, walking towards the door of the RecRoom and heading towards the quarters that he –unfortunately- shared with his brother. It made everything hurt twice as bad, having to share a room with him every single day.

That was nothing compared to what coming back early from a mission one day had felt like. He'd walked into the room to find Sideswipe with _Silverstreak_, of all mechs, 'facing on Sideswipe's berth. A little part of his spark had died that day.

After what seemed to be an eternity Sunstreaker finally reached the door to his quarters, palmed it open, and walked inside, locking the door shut behind him. He flopped down on his berth, offlining his optics and trying to block the pain that the too bright lights were making him feel. He sent a command to turn the lights off, groaning in approval once he could finally online his optics once again.

He uttered a long sigh, lying back on his berth with a hand over his chest-plates, staring up at the ceiling of their quarters. His processor once again went back to Sideswipe, and the way he'd been smiling just a few breems ago. As much as he told himself that he had high grade to forget about his feelings, all it ever did was make him think about them. All he could do was think about Sideswipe.

That wasn't a good way to forget about you problems…

Sunstreaker sighed again, offlining his optics as his fingers absently traced idle patterns over his chest-plates where his hand had been resting on. It took him a moment to realize that his hand was slowly sliding down his chest-plates, fingers softly stroking over his plating and sending small jolts of pleasure through his lines. He considered it for a moment before allowing his hand to slid further over his frame, caressing the nodes and seams that he knew were sensitive. It had been a while since he'd entertained a lover, and his systems were craving release. Not because he lacked offers; heck no. In spite of his aggressive, antisocial nature, the most daring mechs still sought him out whenever they were looking for some rough interfacing. Still, it had lost his appeal a long time ago.

They weren't Sideswipe.

The first breathy moan escaped his lip-plates when his hand reached his codpiece, nimble digits exploring the seams around his spike cover and finding the right spot to manually unlatch it. It slid aside, and his gold and black thick spike extended outwards, grazing against his hand as it moved up. Sunstreaker hissed as the cold air enveloped his hardening member, and he ghosted his fingers over it, biting his lower lip to stop himself from making any sound. Granted, he was alone, but he'd never liked being too loud. He wrapped his hand around his spike, moving it up and down his length slowly at first, enjoying the charge that was starting to build in his lower abdomen.

His hand started to move faster, slightly tightening its grip around his thick, hard member, his engine revving hard within his chassis at the intensity of the pleasure. He could see it in his mind. Sideswipe's digits expertly moving up and down his shaft, pumping him until he couldn't take it anymore before slowly, teasingly leaning down to push his member into his mouth.

His back arched off the berth with a low, rumbling moan at that, imagining his brother swallowing him whole and sucking his spike with way too much talent. He kept stroking himself roughly, overload so, so close that he could almost feel it already. So focused he was in the pleasure and the release he was about to achieve that he missed the sound of the door sliding open, revealing his overcharged brother that was finally coming back from the RecRoom, thankfully, alone.

His overload hit then, hard and fast and way too deep, ripping his brother's name in the form of a hoarse cry of pleasure just as his back arched once again, transfluid erupting from his spike and over his hand as his charge and heat unleashed within his frame. It was then that he heard the sound of something falling to the floor, and he onlined his optics in a hurry, gaze falling on his brother's form that was still standing at the door, all but gaping at him.

'Frag'.

How long had Sideswipe been standing there? Judging by the look on his face, long enough.

His spark lurched in its chamber at the sight of his brother after such an overload that had been directed at him in particular, only to clench painfully tight just as he sat up on the berth, tucking his spike away and getting up to his feet. This was bad. _Really_ bad. Sunstreaker swayed a bit before he started walking towards the private washracks, shooting his brother a nasty glare as he walked past him. However, Sideswipe was having none of it. He followed him, and reached for his wrist before he could manage to key the door to the 'racks shut. Sunstreaker growled threateningly, the touch to his wrist making his still oversensitized circuits flare once again with pleasure. He jerked away from him, turning around to throw him an icy glare. "What?" He growled, gritting his dental-plates together.

Sideswipe, for his part, was somewhat speechless. He hadn't been expecting to see—or hear!—that. The mere image of his brother stroking himself had been… thrilling, to say the least. Sunstreaker was gorgeous, and… well, it was _Sunstreaker._ The most important mech for Sideswipe, no matter how much his actions and words hurt him. It had made his systems rev way too hard within him, only to almost freeze to a halt at hearing the name he cried when he overloaded.

'Sideswipe!' He could remember the way his name had sounded in his brother's lust-filled voice…

He shook his helm, trying to come back to terms with reality. He had to know _why_ Sunstreaker had done that. He _needed_ to know. "What… I heard you. I _heard_ you, Sunstreaker. I need to know why. _Talk_ to me." By Primus, he really needed to know. His voice showed just how desperate he was for an answer, and it stabbed Susntreaker right through the spark

"Slag off, Sideswipe. I don't know what you're talking about." He lied lamely, trying to turn his back on him and lock himself up in their washracks. Sideswipe, however, was faster than that.

Sideswipe knew he was pushing it. Knew that Sunstreaker would most likely slag him for doing that, but he couldn't let this chance go. Not after what he'd heard.

In one swift movement Sideswipe lunged, shoving his brother backwards and into the washracks, and, taking advantage of his brother's brief moment of bewilderment, he used his own frame to pin his brother's against the wall. Even though Sunstreaker was a much more talented fighter, when it came to strength, they weren't so different. Sunstreaker would have a hard time trying to shove him away in his overcharged state, at least.

But he wasn't trying. Not just yet. He was still rather stunned, his brother's actions having taken him by surprise. And… his warm frame pressed up against his overload-sensitized body was making it hard for him to focus on anything else. He growled when he finally managed to get back some sort of control over himself, struggling to try and push his brother off him, to no avail. "You'd better let me go NOW Sideswipe, before I slagging kill you!" He growled, fully aware of the way in which his body was reacting to his brother's proximity. This wasn't good. It wasn't good at all.

Sideswipe snarled, not moving an inch. "No! I'm sick of this! I'm sick of you treating me like slag! You don't even _talk_ to me unless it's to throw me down, and then I walk into _this_! You cried _my_ name! You overloaded for _me_! I _need_ to know why!" He snarled, optics pleading and demanding all at once as he pushed his frame harder against Sunstreker's in an attempt to keep him pinned against the wall, his hands moving to get a hold of the golden mech's arms that were trying to push him away. Sunstreaker was now doing his best not to _do_ something that he would most likely regret, but Sideswipe was making it difficult.

And after a cold, yet burning thrill traveled down his back-struts when Sideswipe gripped his wrists tightly, Sunstreaker couldn't hold back the low moan that escaped his lip-plates, his overload-sensitized circuits making the pleasure flare within him again.

Sideswipe's optics glowed brighter for a moment before they dimmed again, this time darkened with a lust that he hadn't felt in a long, long time. His systems were already revved up for what he'd seen upon walking into their room (and the high grade definitely had a part on it, too), but now, after hearing that sound… He couldn't help himself. He lunged forward, crushing his lip-plates to Sunstreaker's in a harsh, demanding kiss, one that Sunstreaker—after freezing for a brief moment—eagerly returned.

It was probably the way his sensory nodes were buzzing, or maybe the large amount of high grade he'd consumed. He didn't know. All he could think about were Sideswipe's lips on his own, and how _good_ it felt to be finally kissing him. He'd always fantasized about this. About being able to properly kiss his brother… Granted, they'd shared a few kisses when they were younger, back on Cybertron, but never like _this._ Never kisses filled with so much desire, with so much _lust_.

Sideswipe pressed his body flush up against Sunstreaker's, chest-plates scraping together and ripping yet another sound of bliss from Sunstreaker's vocalizer, one that was muffled in his brother's lips. Sideswipe released his wrists in favour of pressing his hands one on each side of the golden mech's waist, keeping his brother in place in case the latter attempted to get away.

Not that he would, anyway. Sunstreaker was lost in the kiss, his now free hands mapping every inch of his crimson twin's chest-plates and abdomen just as he tilted his helm to the side to meld their lips more fully together. He was in the matrix. This was absolute perfection. He'd only been able to fantasize about what his brother's lips would feel like over his own, how his kisses would taste… it was a taste that was entirely Sideswipe, and one he'd yearned for his entire life.

Sunstreaker was not the only one whose spark was all but jumping with the too intense pleasure and desire. Sideswipe was not any better. Lust, joy and hope all swirled within his spark at the possible implications of this kiss. Sunstreaker could have pushed him away, but he hadn't. He was kissing him back… what did it all mean? Could it mean that Sunstreaker didn't hate him as much as he'd always let him believe?

His thoughts were cut short when Sunstreaker growled, and in a sudden rush of movement he had shoved his brother off him and switched their positions, now being the one pressing Sideswipe against the wall. The sudden display of dominance sent a thrill down the red twin's back-struts, engine revving hard within his chassis. He didn't dare speak. He feared saying a word would make his brother think better of this, and he was certain his spark would not be able to stand that kind of rejection again… not after this.

Sunstreaker used his own strong, broad frame to press Sideswipe against the wall, claiming his lips in yet another heated kiss as his hands wandered down his brother's red chest-plates, tracing his fingers over the sensitive headlights and groaning in approval at the way in which his brother _writhed_ for him. His other hand trailed downwards, far too eager to have and to posses the one mech that meant the world to him, dental-plates softly nipping at Sideswipe's lower lip before he sucked it into his own mouth, the vibrations from his revving engine traveling through their still-touching plating. He wasn't thinking about how this was the absolute last thing he should be doing right now, how it would ruin what he'd worked so hard to maintain. He couldn't think about anything as his hand trailed the last few inches towards Sideswipe's still closed interface panel, fingers stroking the heated cover and teasing it into sliding aside and revealing what was now the only thing in Sunstreaker's processor.

Sideswipe gasped at the contact, and didn't even try to stop his panel from clicking open, revealing his soaking valve for his brother to see. He whimpered, burying his face in the crook of the golden mech's neck, biting on the sensitive coolant lines as he felt that first finger glide over his hot, moist valve. The feeling was foreign but entirely wonderful, and when that first digit pushed itself into his virgin port he couldn't help the cry of pleasure that escaped his lips, hips rocking down to get more of that finger in spite of the slight pain of the penetration. Granted, Sideswipe wasn't a virgin, but he'd always been the one assuming the dominant role when 'facing with the lovers he'd entertained throughout the years. He'd never allowed anyone at his valve. No one had been… important enough for him, and that part of interfacing had always seemed like giving too much of himself. Now however… how could he not give everything he was to the only mech he had ever cared about? It was the ultimate sacrifice… the ultimate gift for his brother, his gorgeous, entirely perfect brother that had always been Sideswipe's entire world.

It had been an almost instinctive reaction for him. In spite of all the pain Sunstreaker had caused him, in spite of… everything, he'd submitted to him without a single word.

Sunstreaker pushed his digit further into his brother's valve, feeling the walls clenching and rippling around his digit as it slid deeper inside. He was fully aware of how _tight_ he was, and it only made his spike strain within its housing, begging to be released and for its own pleasure. He worked his finger inside and out in circular motions to stretch his brother's valve, mouthing at the red mech's neck-cables and relishing in the way it was making him moan and shiver for him. It was intoxicating, and he couldn't just have enough of it.

He used one of his golden, strong legs to part Sideswipe's own, positioning himself between his now spread wide legs as he pushed a second finger into his brother's valve, letting his own panel slid aside to reveal his spike that pressurized immediately after. Sideswipe was a trembling mess pinned between his brother's frame and the wall, legs spread wide open and gasping for air that was suddenly not enough to cool his heated systems. The burn of the pain/pleasure coming from his stretching valve was driving him into incoherency, and he shifted to pull his helm from Sunstreaker's neck, lip-plates seeking for his brother's, needing yet another kiss. One of his hands was clutching Sunstreaker's arm that was touching his valve while the other slid up, moving to trace his fingers over his brother's tantalizing helm-fins, something he'd wanted to do his entire life and had been unable to do. He caressed the golden slats with slow, teasing motions before stroking the entirety of the fins, spark lurching triumphantly in its chamber at the deep, rumbling moan it elicited from his brother. Judging by the way it made him shiver, his helm fins were just as sensitive as his audial horns were.

And then Sunstreaker plunged another finger into his valve, the walls of his too tight port now somewhat used to the stretch and sending intense jolts of pleasure burning through his circuits, his lubricants trickling down his brother's hand and wrist as the fingers pumped in and out of his body. Still, it wasn't enough. It wasn't what Sideswipe wanted.

"Sunny, please.." He whimpered, unable to resist the teasing touches as his hips rocked down on his brother's hand to try and get them deeper inside. "I need you, Sunny! I want you in me!" The hand that was clutching at his brother's arm tugged from it, fingers still ghosting over Sunstreaker's helm-fins in a desperate attempt to arouse him into _taking_ him once and for all.

Thankfully for him, Sunstreaker was more than done with his teasing. He pulled his fingers out from Sideswipe's valve with a deep, possessive growl, sucking his brother's lubricants greedily from his own fingers before his lust-darkened optics locked with those of his twin. There were too many unspoken words passing between them, too many feelings that had never before been revealed… and that would not be revealed that night, either. Sunstreaker leaned in, capturing his brother's lips in another spark-searing kiss before he moved forwards, aligning his spike with his twin's opening and rubbing the tip of his hard, thick length against the moistened surface.

Sideswipe hissed wildly into the kiss, hips bucking down hard in an unconscious attempt to press his brother against him. The combined sensations from tasting himself in their kiss and the tip of his brother's spike at his valve's opening were making him lose the last bits of restraint he had.

"Sunstreaker, for Primus' sake I slagging need yo—NGH!" Sideswipe was oh so rudely interrupted by his brother's spike hilting itself into his valve with one sharp thrust, Sunstreaker's hand sliding down his white thighs to tug at the back of his knees, a silent request/demand for him to hook his legs around his strong, golden waist. Sideswipe did so, his valve stretched wide and the pain fading into pleasure now that the thick spike was fully seated within his port. "You need me to what, Sideswipe?" Sunstreaker half purred, half growled, allowing his brother's valve a moment to adjust to his considerably sized spike. "To do _this_?" He pulled his spike out just then, slamming back home and setting up a hard, pounding pace that buried his hard member to the hilt within his twin brother's valve. Sideswipe all but clung to his brother, legs securely wrapped around his waist as he was drilled to the wall, Sunstreaker's rough, relentless lovemaking reducing him to a whimpering, moaning mess. He'd always known, somewhere in his spark, that Sunstreaker was not a gentle lover. He'd never been with him, but he'd… had his own fantasies involving his brother, and there was something about Sunstreaker's raw, animalistic ferocity that screamed 'aggression' to him. That's just how Sunstreaker was. Rough. Aggressive. Fierce.

Perfect.

Sideswipe clawed at his brother's back for some sort of leverage as he was pounded, the heat and pleasure pooling in his lower abdomen as his charge steadily grew, making his cries of pleasure and pleas for more louder and louder every time. Sunstreaker's pace never faltered, spike sliding smoothly in and out of him, grinding against the oversensitized walls of his brother's virgin port and pushing them both closer and closer to the edge. It was getting close fast, and there was nothing none of them could possibly do to slow it down. It was something they'd both craved for longer than what they cared to admit, and now that they were finally able to have it… they were unable to control their reactions to each other's touches.

Sideswipe sought out Sunstreaker's lips in another kiss, hips moving down the best he could to meet each savage thrust, the angle making Sunstreaker impale himself deeper and grind hard against that particularly sensitive cluster of wires at the roof of the too tight valve. Sideswipe broke the kiss with a gasp, thunking his helm back against the wall, an opportunity that was immediately seized by Sunstreaker to mouth and nip at his brother's sensitive neck-cables.

The pleasure from the sensations crossed the wires in Sideswipe's processor and it triggered his overload, valve rippling and clamping hard over his brother's thick length that was still driving furiously into his valve. "Sunstreaker!" He shrieked in absolute bliss, pleasure unleashing within him as his lubricants flooded from his valve, making his brother's spike slid even more smoothly inside of him. The overload was so intense that it knocked him offline, arms and legs still tightly wrapped around his brother's strong, golden frame.

Sunstreaker's own overload was close, and Sideswipe's valve spasming over his spike was all it took to throw him over as well. He thrust a couple more times into him before he came, a deep, hoarse cry of pleasure leaving his vocalizer as his spike emptied itself into his brother's valve, filling him up with his scalding transfluid.

They remained like that for a while, Sunstreaker holding his offline brother tight against the wall and refusing to let go just yet. That had been… absolutely perfect, and Sunstreaker still couldn't believe his luck after all the time he'd spent fantasizing about his brother and thinking he'd never get to know just what it felt to have him.

He pulled his helm back to look at his brother's utterly relaxed features, spark leaping within its chamber at the sight he'd wanted to see his entire life. He kept his arms securely wrapped around him before pulling off the wall and out of the washracks, carrying his brother towards his berth before gently lowering him down on it. He knew, Primus he _knew_ he shouldn't have done that, but his brother looked so gorgeous like this, and he wanted to stretch this moment of intimacy between them for as long as he could before his thoughts ruined everything for him… like they always did.

He slid into the berth next to Sideswipe, arms sliding around his waist and tugging him closer before his own systems started to slowly power down for recharge. He'd worry about everything else the next day, now the high grade allowed him to just enjoy his brother's warm frame pressed up against his for the rest of the night.


	2. Good things never last

Good things never last long. Sunstreaker had always known that, and even though never letting your hopes get too high did help avoid getting hurt, it didn't make life any easier. Everything good in life had been taken away from them by the war, by the Decepticons. Why would things change _now_, of all times?

Not that he was thinking about that, anyway. He was just beginning to power back up after an absolutely _amazing_ recharge, and the warmth and overall feeling of belonging that surrounded him were making him not want to wake up.

That's about when it clicked.

His optics onlined and widened all in a matter of seconds, and –after struggling to focus them- he was finally able to see just where that warmth was coming from. His brother's peacefully recharging face was only inches (Inches? Not_ even_ inches) away from his own, their limbs entangled and clinging to each other like they'd never been before.

The brief moment of confusion only made his thrumming processor ache even more, and he searched his memory banks in an attempt to remember just _what _they'd done the night before. And then he found them.

Sunstreaker had slipped up. He'd lost control and had done something that _ruined_ everything he'd been working so hard to achieve. All the pain he'd gone through and he'd made his brother feel, he'd thrown it all to the wind for a chance to be with his brother, to _make love_ to him.

He was never having any high grade again.

Ha. As if.

Sunstreaker's face-plates twisted into a scowl as he began disentangling himself from his brother's limbs, processor racing and trying to come up with a solution for this slagging _mess_. His movements were enough to have Sideswipe stirring and slowly waking up, optics lazily powering up and gazing into Sunstreaker's face-plates as a smile that had never before been directed at Sunstreaker (out of fear of rejection) curled his lip-plates upwards. Sunstreaker's determination faltered for a brief moment at that sight, and his spark felt as if it was slowly beginning to wilt.

Sunstreaker had been an artist once. He'd seen and painted many gorgeous images and landscapes, and he prided himself in being able to recognize true beauty where nobody else was able to see anything out of the ordinary. Still, the most beautiful thing he'd seen in his life paled in comparison to _that_ look his brother was giving him. Paled in comparison to _that_ smile.

He'd always prided himself in being able to _create_ beauty... and yet now, he was forced to destroy it.

"Morning Sunny.." Sideswipe's sleepy voice greeted him, and Sunstreaker had to focus on ignoring the way in which his spark was almost desperately trying to stop him from doing what his processor had determined as the right thing to do. Sideswipe, in the meantime, was still giving his brother that warm, affection-filled gaze, a hand reaching to touch his brother's forearm while the other was moving to get up. He didn't need to search his memory banks to remember what had happened the night before. Sunstreaker hadn't pushed him away, and he'd even carried him to his berth after he'd been knocked offline by the intensity of the overload when he could have just taken him to his own berth instead. The crimson twin's spark fluttered as he thought about the previous night. Everything about Sunstreaker had been just how he'd imagined it to be. Even better! His intensity, his fiery nature, his aggressive lovemaking… it was perfect. And now Sideswipe knew it.

Sideswipe had never before let anyone _take_ him. He'd always been the one assuming the dominant role, the one using his spike instead of his valve. He'd always felt like it was giving too much of himself. Exposing much more of himself than what he felt comfortable with. However, he hadn't even hesitated the previous night before allowing his valve cover to retract for his brother. It had been almost instinctive. It was _Sunstreaker, _for Primus' sake! He would have never been able to reject _him_.

It had only made that previous night all the more special for him. It had been Sunstreaker the one to take him for the first time, the one to throw him over the edge in that spectacular overload that had knocked him unconscious by its sheer intensity.

Sideswipe wouldn't have wanted it to be any other way. Now he was Sunstreaker's, more so than what he'd always been. And Sunstreaker was his.

Or so he believed.

"Don't call me that." Sunstreaker replied gruffly, sitting up on the berth once he'd managed to disentangle himself from his brother's arms and legs and jerking his arm away from Sideswipe's questing hand. "And get out of my berth."

Sunstreaker didn't look at Sideswipe when he said that. He didn't want to see that smile wavering before fading completely, replaced by a confused, slightly hurt frown. "…what?" The firm determination in Sunstreaker's voice made Sideswipe's spark drop within its chamber, trepidation spreading through his systems and taking over them one by one. What the hell was Sunstreaker doing? Had he… not been what Sunstreaker had expected him to? Had he not liked him? Hadn't he enjoyed the previous night the way _he_ had? It made sense. Sunstreaker was entirely perfect, why would he like _him_, when he'd blatantly showed all his life that he hated him? He didn't understand it, though. Why had he carried him to his berth? Why had he slept with him, _held_ him throughout the night if he was going to push him away the next morning?

"What are you talking ab—" He abruptly stopped talking when Sunstreaker finally _looked _ at him, and the glare he threw his way made the energon in his lines freeze in dismay.

"I said _out_ of my berth, Sideswipe." Sunstreaker's voice was tightly controlled, and Sideswipe knew what it meant. His brother was angry. Furious, even.

"Sunstreaker, what—why are you doing this?" Sideswipe couldn't quite hide the pain when he spoke, betrayed by the slight tremor in his voice. He hoped this was a nightmare. It _had_ to be one! He wouldn't be able to endure his brother's rejection after giving himself to him the way he had done the night before.

Sunstreaker sneered, shaking his helm. If he wanted… if he wanted to amend what he'd done the night before, he wanted to cover up his major screw up… he'd have to be cruel. Nasty, even.

"Don't flatter yourself, Sideswipe." He growled scornfully, forcing his spark to quell once again. "Last night was a mistake. One that would have never happened if I hadn't been so slagging _drunk_." He got to his feet, glowering down at Sideswipe. "I would have never even _touched _you if not for the high grade." He let his own pain, brought by his own atrocious lies bled as rage and _revulsion _in his words, and he saw, by Primus he _saw_ the moment in which Sideswipe's spark broke, saw it in his optics, how they shone brighter for a moment before dimming once again. Saw the first signs of coolant tears beginning to pool in those baby blue optics that had been staring at him with so much joy and _love _only a few moments ago.

"…you don't mean that…" Sideswipe's disbelieving voice was barely above a whisper when he could finally speak again, and he sat up on his brother's berth, trying to reach for him once again. His spark was racing, as was his processor, trying to make sense of what was going on. This couldn't be happening… Sunstreaker couldn't mean that! Not with the way he'd made love to him the night before, not after what had happened! "Sunstreaker… please, _please_ tell me you don't mean it.."

He wanted to. Sunstreaker wanted nothing more than to tell him he didn't mean it and crawl back into the berth with him for the rest of his life, hold him in his arms and forget about everything else. Forget about their team-mates, forget about the War… But that wasn't possible. It wasn't… and that was what had brought this whole mess to begin with. He had to protect Sideswipe. He had to keep him safe.

If only he realized that to Sideswipe, this hurt much more than death itself…

"Of course I do mean it." The golden twin snarled, optics narrowing to thin, icy blue slashes against his silverish face-plates. "Did you honestly believe that I _wanted_ you? That I'd wake up and hold you and it would all be alright? That we'd be _together_?" His voice was cold and disdainful as he said those words, and Sideswipe physically shrunk back from him, withdrawing his hand that had been trying to reach for Sunstreaker's golden arm again. "Are you seriously _that_ naïve?"

The first coolant tear slid down Sideswipe's cheek-plate, travelling down the seam that always made his crooked grins look so wicked, so mischievous, before it was wiped off by his own black hand. He felt humiliated, felt _hurt_, and more than anything… he felt numb. Everything he'd fought to achieve, everything he'd wanted to have was his brother's approval. His brother's love. And as much as he still wanted it… it was obvious it was something he would never, _ever _have.

And nothing hurt more than knowing you'd been fighting for something that would never be yours, no matter how hard you tried.

It was poisonous. _Sunstreaker _was venomous. And Sideswipe had willingly consumed that poison from the very first day.

He needed to stop.

He got to his feet, that numbness spreading through his body as another coolant tear found its way down his beautifully constructed face-plates before it was too wiped out. He looked at Sunstreaker, and the golden mech inwardly flinched at how much that look did _not_ resemble his brother's customary expression. It was as if… he was gone.

And he was.

"I'm _done_." Sideswipe finally spoke again, jaw clenched tight as he struggled to keep his lower lip from quivering like it so desperately, so _pathetically_ wanted to. "I'm done with this. I'm _tired_ of this. Of _you_. All my life—" He paused, taking a deep breath to try and cool his voice that was trembling in the same way his body was. "All my life I've tried to live up to your standards—SHUT UP! Shut up and let me_ finish_!" He snarled when Sunstreaker made a move to interrupt him. "I've _tried_, and you _know_ it. I've devoted my entire life to _you, _and all you've done is throw it back at my face. And I _let_ you. I let you break me down _every single time_… I gave myself to you. I gave you _everything_ I am. Everything I have. And it was never enough!" His voice broke with that last statement, and he shook his helm, his fists clenching tighter to the point of denting his own palms. "I can't take this anymore. I _won't_ take this anymore. I'm _done_." He repeated his previous words, wiping out another slagging coolant tear that was threatening to fall down his face again. "You don't want me. You don't want to be my brother. _Fine. _Then don't be. Right now… right now I don't want to be _your_ brother either."

It was all out. Sideswipe had finally dared to say _everything_ he had bottled up for _years, millennia_ of pain and tears shed for someone who hadn't given a slag about him. He had finally dared to put an end to this… for good.

Sunstreaker's spark had already been aching for his own words, but after Sideswipe was done… it didn't even _feel_ anymore. It was just as numb as Sideswipe's was. Every word laced with that deeply felt pain had been a stab right through his spark, and he couldn't even imagine what the pain Sideswipe was experiencing must have felt like. There was no turning back now, though. His lip-plates curled upwards into a sneer, a gesture as disdainful as his glare was. "I say this again, Sideswipe. Don't _flatter_ yourself. I will never _want_ you. You're nothing but a nuisance, a pain in the aft, a _rookie. _That's all you've ever been, and you've never _tried_ hard enough to change that. Get out of here, Sideswipe. Go _cry _somewhere else."

Sideswipe's vents hitched at the disgust he read in those words, and he could only growl, quietly and agonizingly.

"I hate you."

"No, you don't. _Pathetic."_

With one last devastated glare thrown Sunstreaker's way Sideswipe turned his back on him, making his way out of their quarters without saying another word. He needed to get away. Needed to go somewhere where he could be _alone_. He didn't want anyone—least of all Sunstreaker, to see him cry.

And Primus knew that's all he wanted to do right now.

Sunstreaker remained where he was standing after the door slid shut. There was no going back now. There was no taking this back. No fixing this. He'd slipped up… he'd fragged everything up even more than what it already was… and this was the result.

He forced himself to move, although where his feet were taking him, he had no clue. He just needed to get out of there, leave the scent of his brother behind. That… numbness that was also seizing control of his spark was so very similar to his brother's, and yet it was nothing alike. Whilst Sideswipe's was there because of the pain, Sunstreaker's was the way in which his spark responded to it all; pushing the feelings, as well as the _pain,_ aside.

But as he made his way into the washracks, he found that it wasn't in actuality working the way it always had. That numbness hurt just as much as his brother's pain had.

Good things never lasted long. Not for Sunstreaker… and least of all for Sideswipe.


	3. Shadows and smiles

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**Author's note!**

**Thanks for the reviews for those that did it, and for the favorites, too (reviews are better, though!)! I've had some troubles with this chapter, but finally, HERE IT IS! **

**I say thank you to my beloved virtual-twin kikiyophoenix19, she helped me QUITE A LOT with this fic. :3 I love you twin!**

**Also, KateaNui has some wicked ideas that really helped me out as well 3 THANK YOU 3**

**Well, here it is!**

**TIPS:**

**-xx-xx-xx- this signals a switch in the POV, from Sunny to Sides and so on. **

_**Italics are some sort of… flashbacks. Kinda :P**_

**Hope you enjoy!**

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The hour and a half shower had done nothing to quell Sunstreaker's aching spark that day. The washracks had always served him to cool his circuits down from everything. It had never failed him before.

Well, there was always a first time for everything, wasn't it?

Nothing he'd tried had worked. The washracks, going for a drive, training, fighting… nothing had managed to make that terrible numbness in his spark recede, and it was slowly driving him insane.

Still, he tried, and after his shift in the monitoring room was over, the golden frontliner made his way towards the communal washracks, hoping that this time it would at least help him work out some of his pent up stress. Footsteps echoing throughout the hallway were the only warning he had before a silverish form rounded the furthest corner of the corridor. As much as he tried, he was unable to hide the rage in his optics as Silverstreak walked past him in the hallway, the gunner's dry glare thrown his way only enraging him further, ripping an irate rev from the yellow twin's engine.

Anger was a nice distraction from his pain, and he let himself be carried away by it before the pain took over once again. He couldn't stop thinking about his brother. That was nothing new. His spark ached horribly when his processor brought back the memories of that day. What hurt the most, though, was to know that he had _deserved_ every single enraged word from his brother. His brother, on the other hand, hadn't deserved the things he'd said. Primus… only to think of the horrible lies he'd told his brother that day was enough for a sharp pang of pain to stab him right through the spark, one that made a feeling he'd never before had uncurl uncomfortably within his spark and spread through every single one of his systems.

Self loathing.

That feeling was alien for him. It was something he had never felt before, and yet there it was, coming back to haunt him every time he thought of his brother. He kept telling himself he'd done it to protect him, that he had only tried to save his brother from both the dangers of the War and, in a way, from himself. That wasn't helping him keep the pain away, although to be honest, he no longer thought that was possible. The only thing that would be able to do that was the same thing he'd pushed away not too long ago. Something he'd refused to have when he'd had the chance, and that he now knew would never _want_ to be his again.

Why would he, after all the cruel, despicable things he'd said?

He knew he wouldn't forgive himself for any of it. He would never be able to, for he had been the one to _destroy_ who his brother was. Sideswipe had been so full of life… He'd had the ability to bring light to a room with his mere presence, and his smile…

_That_ was the main reason he would never be able to forgive himself. He'd been the one to make that smile disappear. That sharp, impish curve of his lip-plates that made his cheek crook _just so_ that it gave him a wicked, mischievous look, a look that clearly said Sideswipe was able to walk around you a thousand times without you even noticing… And he was. Sideswipe had that ability. He was able to fool anyone he wanted if he set his mind to it, and could get out of any slag he got himself into with just _that_ same smile.

It was a smile that had even managed to give some sort of warmth to Sunstreaker's own cold spark, even though they were rarely directed at him. Sideswipe didn't dare to do so, for on the rare occasions in which he had, they had been wiped out of the crimson mech's face-plates as easily as the tears he'd shed for Sunstreaker a few days ago had been. Sunstreaker remembered a few of them, though. They were mostly offered to him after the battles won, battles in which Sideswipe had done something _right_ that he felt would make him worthy of his brother's approval. He'd always chanced those smiles at him after such small victories, and had seen his hopes come crashing down time after time. Sunstreaker never returned the smiles, or made any sort of gesture to acknowledge Sideswipe's triumph, and, as time passed, Sideswipe got used to that rejection as well and never smiled at him that way again.

Those smiles had been the hardest test for the golden frontliner. They were both a comforting success, and a painful reminder of the situation he was caught in, and had dragged his brother into as well. Every time Sideswipe gave him one of those smiles meant another battle Sideswipe had lived through. Meant yet another triumph on the red frontliner's part. A recognition of both their efforts, be it conscious or not.

Those accomplishments were barely enough to drown the pain those same smiles caused him. They were a cruel reminder of what Sunstreaker had taken away from them. What they could never have again.

Things weren't like this back on Cybertron, way before the War started. They were _close_, closer than what anyone could have ever guessed, and they _knew_ just what one meant for the other. When Sideswipe smiled, Sunstreaker gave him back his own version of a smirk, that barely there quirk of his lip-plates that had his brother's own smile blooming into a full grin, baby blue optics gleaming with that sheer happiness that always radiated from him whenever they were together. That same energy that had slowly started to drain away ever since the attack that had led Sunstreaker into believing he needed to do anything in his power to keep his brother _safe_.

Even if that meant breaking both their sparks in the process.

It was done, though. What had started as a simple plot to look after the most sacred thing for Sunstreaker had turned into something so dark, so _wrong_ that it had changed them both and transformed them into what they were now. Nothing more than a shadow of their former selves.

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_Earlier that day, elsewhere…_

_A breathy moan escaped his lips when he felt his brother's glossa sweeping over the main coolant line in his neck, the slender digits of an artist tracing almost delicately over the sensitive seams at the sides of his body. He was writhing beneath the golden frame pressing him down to the berth, Sunstreaker's weight above him the most wonderful sensation he could recall feeling. Before long his warm lips found his own, and they were lost into each other's mouths, a kiss so slow, so lazy, so _sweet _that it burned itself in his spark forever. _

_When their lips parted Sunstreaker sat up over him, straddling his white thighs and looking down at him through lust filled optics, his hands running over his crimson chest-plates, mapping every inch of his plating. Sideswipe smiled up at him, his frame burning where Sunstreaker's hands touched him…_

…_but Sunstreaker didn't smile back._

_Sideswipe's optics suddenly cycled online after a fitful recharge, sitting up on the berth as the images of his dreams—or nightmares—repeated themselves over and over in his processor. He brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, thunking his helm on his arms with a long, drawn out sigh. He could feel the ghost of Sunstreaker's lips over his own after the dream, and it was making his pain surface again, as intense as it had been that very first day when Sunstreaker had decided to rip his spark out. _

_He needed to stop hurting himself like this. He had to stop having these dreams about Sunstreaker, but they kept assaulting him every night, showing him images of what he'd had only _once_, and would never have again. He craved his brother's love. He craved his approval… his touch. By Primus, even after what he had done to him, he would have gladly given anything in his power to have another _chance _with him. To have another opportunity to show him he could be what Sunstreaker wanted him to be._

_Could he? Sideswipe wasn't sure anymore. He wanted to try, he wanted _to show Sunstreaker that he could try_… but he wasn't sure he could _be _that way anymore. He had done everything wrong. He had _failed _at some point… there had to be an explanation for his brother's apparent disdain towards him. He only wished he could know _what_, so he could _change it.

_Sideswipe snorted at himself. He had to stop thinking that way, because he _knew_, deep down, that he would never be good enough for his golden twin brother. This had to stop._

_He needed to get away._

_Without bothering to say a word to Silvestreak, who was recharging on the berth next to his own, Sideswipe slid out of the gunner's quarters, determined to finally put an end to this all. He made his way to the Autobot's SIC's office, a plan forming in his processor. It was the only way he would ever be able to _move on_. He needed to leave Sunstreaker behind._

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Sunstreaker let out yet another harsh sigh as he made his way out of the washracks for the second time that day. It seemed to be the only thing the frontliner willingly did anymore… and even that seemed strained. Since the day in which Every Thing Went To The Pits Sunstreaker tried to spend as much time as possible out of his quarters, be it working, in the washracks, or out for a drive. Not to avoid Sideswipe, since the mech hadn't even stepped by _once_ after that day. On the contrary, the empty room was far more than what he was willing to deal with. He didn't know where his brother had been staying for the last days, either, but he suspected he'd been crashing at Silverstreak's…

…that particular train of thought always made his tanks churn violently within him, jealousy and rage flaring through his spark at the possibility of his brother being with the doorwinged glitch. He couldn't help the way in which his spark lurched possessively when that crossed his processor, even when he was very aware of the fact that he'd lost all right to feel that way when he'd pushed his brother away.

Focused on trying to keep his spark from _hurting_ once again Sunstreaker missed the silver form of a mech coming before him –again- until he was shoved back forcefully against the door to the washracks, a threatening growl falling from his vocalizer as his frame tensed and got ready to spring into action. It was then that his icy, furious optics fell on the form before him, and his engine roared fiercely, his lip-plates quirking upwards into a sneer aimed at the very last mech he wanted to see right now.

_Silverstreak._

A very angry, very upset looking Silverstreak, at that. Not that Sunstreaker noticed any of that. All he could think about was the sudden memory that assaulted his processor, the silver frame writhing and moaning in overload beneath his brother's that day when he'd arrived early from a mission…

A slight creaking noise warned him of the damage inflicted upon the palms of his own hands when his fists clenched impossibly tight, and he took a step towards the mech before him, more than ready to beat him to a heap and reduce him to a pile of whimpering parts. It would serve him as a stress reliever, at the very least.

"The frag do you think you're doing, glitch!" Growled through gritted dental-plates, Sunstreaker's angry retort was accompanied by his fists shoving the silver mech roughly away from him.

Silverstreak's doorwings flared behind his back in affront, but the way in which they were quivering gave away the pain he was obviously going through. "What did you do!" He snarled at the golden twin, hands balled tightly at the sides of his body. "_What did you do to Sideswipe?"_

Sunstreaker felt his rage rise to unimaginable levels, and his optics flared to the point of almost whiteness. "The frag is it to _you_, slagheap?" Not only he had the _nerve_ to touch his brother, he also was idiotic enough to confront _him!_

Silverstreak had always harbored a little bit of fear where Sunstreaker was concerned. It was something most mechs—or at least the smart ones—did. The golden Lamborghini wasn't a nice mech, and the wrong word with him could make the difference between having to spend the night in the infirmary or not. Silverstreak knew he was no frontliner material, and that if he ever managed to get on Sunstreaker's bad side, he'd stand no chance against the warrior.

Still… he hadn't been able to control himself. Sideswipe was his friend, and sometimes something _more_… even though he'd never held any hopes regarding that. He knew Sideswipe's spark was out of his reach, as painful as that bit of knowledge was, but that didn't stop him from trying. He'd always been by his side as his friend, accepting the moments of intimacy when they came and enjoying _every second_ of them as if they were to be the last.

That was probably why hearing the news from the crimson mech earlier that day had hurt that much. What he had been craving to have for years belonged to someone who was _not worth it_, someone who was _destroying _it. Sideswipe had asked him not to say a single word about this to anyone, but given the fact that it was already too late to change it, he didn't feel the need to hold it all inside any longer.

"For a mech that thinks himself to be perfect, you're pretty _slagging stupid!_" Silverstreak snapped at him, his own anger making him ignore the dangerous nature of what he was doing. Insulting Sunstreaker was never a good idea.

Sunstreaker's optics narrowed to thin lines against his face-plates, and he took yet another step towards the gunner, the need to know what the other was talking about the only thing keeping him from dismantling him piece by piece. "Keep pushing it, fragger, and I'll rip your head off." He growled in warning. "What happened is none of your fragging business, so you'd better back off before I get rid of you myself."

"It is my business because Sideswipe's my friend, glitch! Do you even _know_ where he is right now? Do you even _care_ enough to know where he's going!"

Those words caught him off guard, and he stared at Silverstreak for a moment, feeling the awful way in which his spark was pulsing faster at the implication beyond the sniper's words. "The slag are you talking about?"

"I hope you're happy, Sunstreaker! You got what you wanted. You wanted Sideswipe out of your way, _you got it. _He's transferring. He already talked to Prowl, and he's leaving _now_."

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_Prowl was suspicious of Sideswipe's sudden request to be transferred, but he granted him his wish, _only_ because it would, in the long run, serve him for his own purposes. Prowl had received an order from the higher ups to put together two groups for two different missions only a few days ago; one would be sent to meet Hound's squad as back-up, and the other would be commanded by himself, and would be sent to an organic planet called Earth. _

_Prowl informed Sideswipe of his mission, and let him know that he only had a few hours to prepare himself, for the ship he was supposed to board was already being set up and loaded. Sideswipe listened to his new orders in silence before thanking the strategist and leaving his office, heading back to Silverstreak's quarters to pack what little belongings he had. It was done. He at last now had a new chance to try and have a _life _without the pain of rejection. He had a chance to _move on_._

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The rest of what Silverstreak was saying was lost to Sunstreaker as the world slowed to a halt around him, the gunner's voice fading into silence along with the sound of his own thoughts. Sideswipe was _leaving_. Sideswipe couldn't leave him. How was he supposed to protect him if he was away! All the pain, all the suffering, it would all be in vain if he left now!

Sick of Silverstreak's babbling Sunstreaker lunged, rearing his fist back and punching the gunner _hard_ in the face. The mech staggered backwards a few steps, clutching his cracked optic and spiting a few more insults before walking away, most likely towards the medical bay. Maybe if he'd been anyone else he would have retaliated in kind but he knew he could never stand a chance against Sunstreaker's skills.

The golden mech stood there, venting heavily as he tried to figure out just _what_ to do. Before he could think of anything else he was walking towards the docking bay, his heavy steps echoing through the hallways as he closed the distance between himself and the ships docked on the opposite side of the base.

He didn't know what he would do once he got there… but he had to see it for himself. He broke into a run, racing along the corridors of the base as his spark did the same within his chest. Sideswipe _couldn't _be leaving….

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Sideswipe had never liked emotional farewells. War had proved to be the wrong place to get attached to other mechs.

You never knew when you were saying goodbye for the very last time.

He'd always shrugged them off with a joke and a grin, a pat on the back, and then departed without looking back. This time, however, it was easier said than done. It wasn't so easy to not look back when you were leaving half of your spark behind.

He boarded the ship with only one brief glance over his shoulder, and felt his spark gave a painful lurch when he caught a small glimpse of yellow before the hangar doors slid shut between him and the golden shadow.

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Sunstreaker was barely able to see his brother's crimson form boarding the ship before it was too late. The vessel's engines roared to life and without giving him a chance to try to stop it, it took off to the skies, taking half of his spark along with it. He hadn't been fast enough. He hadn't made it in time to stop his brother… and now he was gone.

And it was his fault.

"Sideswipe.."


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